Forever and always this blog has been a place where I can be completely honest and express myself and that often means sharing my very random,rambling writings. So often I have this sudden thought or a feeling and then this desperate need to capture it, other times I think for ages and ages about what I truly want to say and write something carefully orchestrated and expressed, sometimes I just…..write and let all the emotions flow through me and form themselves into words.
I recently had a notification telling me that I started blogging five years ago. Half a freaking decade. So kinda as a very Gracie celebration of that (staying true to what A Light In The Darkness has been for all that time) and partly because I have loads of random snippets of writing that need to be somewhere except taking up a thousand drafts in my docs, ta da…here you have a writing dump!
Before you ask, sometimes I’m okay and sometimes I’m not. And that’s okay. This writing is honest, but it also reflects only one moment in time. At the moment, my life is a whirlwind of emotions and experiences and I hope I capture that in some way, but don’t worry about me, I’m in love with this thing called poetic license 😉
the sun glares in your eyes but i see all the stars in the sky shining back at me,
your laugh rings out over marble floors,
mouth stretched wide in a sculpted smile,
your voice spirals up echoey staircases that swirl like cinnamon buns
and then slides back down the banister like a child at play
i fall into you blindly and laugh when we blend together like blue and grey on a rainy day,
we surf waves of our own creation,
our hands melting into the ocean like we’re part of it too,
souls that struggle to find the words
and i always will be
– for a friend
and with your words my heart burst into light that blinded me and lit you up and we danced in the darkness, twisted together in shadows and strength.
when you tell me about the fight you got into, the blade twists in my gut too and i can’t breath for a minute. then i close my eyes and count to ten and let the rawness hide itself in my heart until someone makes me cry again. just know that when my dad says i need to come shopping instead of staying in the car to write, it’s not really him who send the tears streaking down my face – it’s you. and not just you. it’s also millions of others like you. when people ask me what’s really wrong i can’t tell them because they don’t understand that you can’t see through your anger and frustration and confusion and that you’re drowning in it all and i keep trying to guide you through and my every word to you is filled with oxygen to keep you breathing for just a little longer because i can’t let you leave me. i can’t let anyone leave.
so I double text and triple text and ask ‘are you okay?’ and don’t care what anyone thinks or says because i care too much. but it still never seems like enough. it should be but no, it’s too little too late.
and i don’t know if it’s the truth. if you’re bending the truth. because for once words are not enough, i want to let you breathe my oxygen and give you my strength and lift you up and let you live. but i can’t because every time you open up, my heart shatters and the sharp edges dig in. deep.
and i want to do this. i want more than anything to take all this pain and turn it into something beautiful and maybe that’s just because we’re all a revolutionary at heart..at the moment the best way I can describe it is that my words mean both everything and nothing. like they are what I inhale and exhale, what i need and what i create and they are all i can give you.
they’re words i hope will change things. words i hope will keep you alive. these words are not empty, they are the carriers of great things, of a new world, of lives yet to be lived. futures twisted and bent out of shape. i want to straighten them out but i can’t. and they’re oddly alluringly beautiful like this mess of words that makes no sense. did you know you could get high on tragedy?
every night i pray to god that you’re okay and that you find the strength to keep going. i wish on every 11:11 and squeeze my eyes tight shut and sometimes i’m so happy that you’re happy and sometimes i’m just not. sometimes because you’re not. sometimes it has nothing to do with anything.
this makes no sense at all but neither does the tangle of emotions inside me and i think that’s why i love words so much because when they fit together, they fit. and they are the truth of the writer and then the reader. they can be written in stone and mean completely different things to completely different people and still be perfect, messy truth.
when you tell me that you hate yourself, i hate everything. i hate the society that made you see yourself that way and i hate that i can’t change it. and no one understands. no one. because i’m locked in here and yet i’m free as anything. no one understands that the reason i cry is because it’s so beautiful and so painful all at the same time. and im okay. i promise. its okay.
and maybe i’m confused and i’m making it all up. maybe you’re the same. maybe neither of our stories match reality. maybe we’re all crazy. but to me this is the truth, this burning, explosive soul that’s running out of oxygen, but never out of words.
there. that’s it. i’m done.
Lil note – me and my family have started organising CommuniTea events on our challenge. They’re basically all about bringing people of all backgrounds together to bridge the gaps and divides in our society and because we believe that when we come together we create a better future for us all. This is the speech I read at our first event…
Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a voice for my generation because I’ve felt their pain and wanted a better future for us all. For so long, I’ve done my best just to fight the symptoms, trying to be there to listen, offer what advice I could, answer the phone when my friends are crying. I’ve sat there watching anxiety, depression, panic attacks, eating disorders, self harm and hopelessness become the norm and felt helpless. What could I do to stop this wheel in motion? How could I reverse it?
For me, CommuniTea means getting to the root of the problem. It means finding a way to catch my friends and stop them slipping through my fingers like the future that’s slipping away from all of us. It’s bridging the gaps so that people can’t fall through.
It means being able to tell them that people do care and have their back, and actually mean it when I say it. It means that no one is alone. It means being able to do more than just try to pick up the pieces when they fall apart. It means finding something that holds us all together.
So often we think that we’re better off on our own, just looking out for ourselves, but we’re not. That may be the unspoken narrative society feeds us, but on this challenge I’ve seen what happens when people come together and I’ve felt it in my heart.
We all struggle and we all feel pain, but even where there is darkness, especially where there is darkness, people are pushing through like flowers through concrete. They are breaking down all of these complex societal issues and problems and coming up with one, simple solution that we can all be a part of.
It’s called community and we’ve seen it in action in almost every single area we’ve passed through on this challenge. You just have to look. We’ve seen how the pain in people’s pasts can be healed by the purpose that caring for others gives them and the comfort of knowing that there are others who care about them too.
We’ve seen how people overcome their struggles through coming together and forging relationships. They’re sharing their lives and creating positive change at the same time. They’ve realised that this is where the change starts. Here. Now.
And the best part is that it’s happening everywhere and absolutely anyone can be a part of it. I can’t promise anyone that it won’t be a step outside of our comfort zones, but no one ever achieved anything by being comfortable. I’m a fifteen year old girl and I’ve just spent nearly six months stepping out of my comfort zone every single day and it’s the best experience I’ve ever had. I want you to experience that magic too.
It’s not really magic, but it feels like it. When people come together, when people really care, it brings out the best in us all, the smiles the joy, the connection, the feeling of being a part of something. Part of the solution, not the problem.
Sitting down to eat and talk and laugh and play cards with asylum seekers, you realise that we’re all just human beings. Feeling the most welcome and at home you’ve ever felt anywhere after just a couple of hours in the inclusive chaos of a community in South Wales area where people struggle and are almost forgotten or written off by the rest of society, but are there for each other through it all, changes your perspective. Meeting all these young guys in Glasgow who have nothing going for them, but refuse to let the darkness drag them down, motivates us to help them and others rise.
I can’t tell you how important this is. To me. To you. The darkness affects us all, but so will the positivity. It will light us up and set our souls on fire. We just have to give it a chance.
4) Some random one liners that might be something more one day and quite possibly…..won’t.
People tell me not to mourn someone who never wanted me anyway, but I wanted you. I wanted you and you left me.
and i can’t talk to you because you won’t talk to me and this is how i learnt that life is not fair.
and then there was me. Pounding round the countryside on my bike, craving silence but wishing you would fill it. Lying on my back in the grass, staring at the sky, eating coffee chocolate and trying to make decisions….all of which concerned you.
Humanity is one part pain and one part strength.
If I asked you if you know the same things I do, if I asked you whether you’ve seen the hearts that cry out, even unknowingly, would you give yourself to them if they would take you?
Well there you go guys! Hope you enjoyed that and maybe it made you think in some way??! How are we all doingggg?? Love as always xxx